The Kenwood Press
Publishers' Corner: 12/01/2018

Does crime pay?



The Kenwood Press had its 30th anniversary party at the Kenwood Depot on Nov. 17, and it was great to see to all the community members who stopped by for food, drink, and a good time. You ate everything, which we love since we didn’t have to deal with leftovers.

One of the things we did to get ready for the party was go through all the Crime Watch columns through the years and pick out the more humorous incidents (trust us, they’re not all funny). We taped our favorites on a tall four-screen display panel. This was a big hit as people traveled back in time on Crime Watch Lane, laughing out loud in disbelief. They’re all true – I swear it. All I do is relate what has been reported to the Sheriff’s office.

People have often encouraged us to put together a book of Kenwood Press Crime Watch, maybe a nice leather-bound tome with gold inlay that you can leave on your coffee table for years to come. What a great gift that would be! We can ask the nice folks at the Sonoma County Sheriff’s Sonoma Valley substation, who assist us in gathering these items, to write the forward.

I’m going to put the price at $49.99, with the ability to update the publication every year. Crime doesn’t take a vacation, you know.

After going through nearly three decades of Crime Watch, some common themes emerge, which I will now put into the following categories.

Alcohol, alcohol, alcohol – not surprisingly, many of the calls deputies respond to are alcohol-related. It seems that drinking impairs people’s judgment – who knew?

A few examples: Taking a swing at a deputy at the Jack London Saloon; a fist fight between two brothers at a wedding in Plaza Park; a DUI while riding a lawn mower to the Kenwood Market; stumbling into the wrong room at the Jack London Lodge and getting into the occupant’s bed; juveniles stealing beer for their beer pong game down the block; tourists helping themselves to wine behind the counter at a tasting room; intoxicated individuals not wearing any (fill in the blank here).

Something suspicious – apparently we’re not used to seeing people we don’t know, or seeing unfamiliar vehicles near our homes. They very often turn out to be harmless, such as: someone taking a nap; a driver parked while talking on a cell phone; construction workers who are supposed to be on the property in question; a man looking for a lug nut while trying to fix a flat tire; young people playing Pokemon Go.

Never mind – calls that aren’t quite what they ended up being. A call about a mountain lion in a dumpster – turned out to be a stuffed animal; deputies respond to yelling at a nearby home – people watching a movie; suspicious juveniles who were just building a tree fort; a call about possible explosive powder – turned out to be sand; missing hikers in the park – waiting at the Visitors Center the whole time.

Just darn odd – this category is self-explanatory. Vicious cockatoo; dog getting into a neighbor’s hot tub; abandoned washing machine in front of the Depot with clothes still inside; a call from a man claiming to be the President of Mexico; a man throwing bags of rice over a neighbor’s fence; alleged assault by toothpaste; alleged assault by thrown hair spray bottle; a neighbor accused of using voodoo and carving smiley faces.

I apologize for just lowering everyone’s property values. Who the heck wants to live here given this 30-year crime wave?

Apparently, we do. Make that book $69.99 – includes tax and shipping.

– Alec