The Kenwood Press
Publishers' Corner: 03/01/2019

This is an emergency!

Alec Peters

Urgent, urgent, emergency

Urgent, urgent, emergency

Urgent, urgent, emergency

Urgent, urgent, emergency

Yes those were some of the creative lyrics of the 1981 semi-passable song “Urgent” by that semi-passable band with great hair, Foreigner. Which goes to show that if you repeat something often enough, people will get it stuck in their head.

As our great leader continues to make his call for a national emergency, I got to thinking about all the emergency declarations that could be made around here to make our community a better place. You can question my legal authority to do this, but it's in the Kenwood Constitution, the only copy of which I have in a drawer somewhere at home.

Emergency #1 - Potholes. Thanks to years of neglect and the latest rounds of pounding rain, the pothole situation has risen to an emergency level never seen before in the known universe. Given this long national nightmare, I therefore require every member of the Board of Supervisors to don a hard hat, gloves and overalls and personally repave all our inadequate roads. Lunch breaks allowed.

Emergency #2 - Kenwood needs kids. We need more children to populate our schools, streets, and sports fields. This is indeed an emergency, lest we older folks want to spend the rest of our lives playing catch with ourselves. Therefore, I declare that all people in Kenwood of child-bearing age should get to work. If this is too subtle, I really can't help you. Put “Urgent” on the turntable.

Emergency #3 - Suspicious vehicles. Have you read the Crime Watch over the years? Oh my God, we have thousands, no, millions, of suspicious vehicles crossing our local borders every day and night, doing God knows what. Parked for over five minutes? On the cell phone? Fixing a tire? Taking a nap? Totally unacceptable. I therefore declare an emergency and proclaim that no non-resident vehicles are allowed in Kenwood after 4 p.m. This will require residents to purchase a “Not a Suspicious Vehicle” sticker for a small fee, but it's a sacrifice we all must make for safety. You can buy them at the Kenwood Press office for $9.99.

Emergency #4 - Bad cell phone reception. This really can be an emergency, but I'm trying to keep it light here. So, in order to avoid having to go outside in the rain to get two bars, not be cut off in mid-sentence when you're going around a curve, or climbing onto your roof to get a better signal, I declare that all environmental rules be waived and 10,000 cell phone towers be placed along the ridge tops of northern Sonoma Valley. It really doesn't matter if it's legal or not - I proclaim it. You'll thank me later.

Emergency #5 - We're not getting any younger here. I can't stay awake more than an hour during a Board of Supervisors meeting, my hair is completely gone, and eating lunch at all our good restaurants is making me fat. Therefore, this emergency declaration requires Jeff Bezos of Amazon to purchase the Kenwood Press for $2 million. Jeff, I'll wait by the phone.

- Alec