Down the rabbit hole
Time for a little bedtime story, with apologies to Lewis Carroll:
Alice was very frustrated and bored with listening to her older sister read from a book with no pictures or dialect. The day was warm and drowsy, and she was about to nod off completely, when a rabbit ran by, muttering something about being late, and needing to change, or maybe it was about changing something. She wasn’t sure. Then the rabbit disappeared down a hole.
Suddenly, Alice, too, is down the rabbit hole. She eats and drinks things that make her grow and shrink and grow again. “Maybe this is the change people have been talking about,” she muses.
After dissolving into a pool of tears and shrinking to a very small size, she slips into the garden of the Queen of Hearts. The Queen, who is from Queens, has wild, orange hair and keeps yelling things like, “Off with her head,” and, “Lock her up!”
Until recently, the Queen’s gardeners had the job of painting the white roses red, but lately she has told them to just paint everything white.
The Queen’s chief minion is the enormous Tweedledumdee, who is from Jersey, or New Jersey, it’s not clear. He recites to Alice his favorite poem about the Walrus and the Carpenter, who entice a slew of young oysters to walk with them to the far end of the beach.
“O Oysters,” said the Carpenter,
“You’ve had a pleasant run!
Shall we be trotting home again?”
But answer came there none—
And this was scarcely odd, because
They’d eaten every one.
Alice finds out that each day, after the Queen has left the castle, the King of Hearts pardons everyone. The King knows that the Queen is a bully, and vows to eliminate bullying from the entire world, but it is hard to understand what he says, as his accent is so thick. It hardly matters though, because he is really, really, ridiculously good-looking.
After leaving the Queen’s garden, Alice comes across a hookah-smoking caterpillar. “Dude,” he says, “This is, like, totally legal now.” Alice politely declines his offer to take a hit from the giant pipe.
She follows the rabbit to the Mad Hatter’s Tea Party. Most of the creatures there are very animated, but the Dormouse keeps falling asleep, waking up now and then to mumble something about the latest polls, which show the Cheshire Cat in the lead. The Cheshire Cat appears, disappears, reappears, and then slowly fades away until all that is left is his grin…or is it a grimace?
Suddenly the Queen of Hearts and her entourage reappear. Alice tells them that they’re nothing but a pack of cards. At this point they rise up and try to kill her, but then Alice wakes up and realizes the whole thing has been a dream…or has it?