Executive Order 17-4891
By the authority vested in me by the U.S. Constitution as I wish it to be, I, Alec the Ridiculously Magnificent, hereby issue this Executive Order pertaining to the protection of the good citizenry of northern Sonoma Valley
Section 1. Executive Order 17-4891 is meant to temporarily, maybe, ban for 60 days card-carrying residents and/or relatives from the City of Sonoma. It is well-known that Sonomans views on many matters differ drastically from our community and we should be wary. Until we get a handle on what’s going on, we don’t want our children to be exposed to potential radicalization from talk about leaf blowers, fracases over how many cucumbers you can have at a Farmer’s market, Iyengar yoga, or the delights of truffle oil and pumpkin anything.
Section 2. To ensure we do not have to spend the time to educate ourselves about those far-away Sonomans, or deal with the highly complex concept of nuance, a blanket ban is necessary and, in my opinion, humane. Yes, many Sonomans work and go to school over our Sonoma/Northern Sonoma Valley border, but for the greater good your Alec the Ridiculously Magnificent has determined that it is better to go without the workforce and academic contributions Sonomans have brought to our area for many years. We’ll be fine, thank you. We can do it all ourselves.
Section 3. We are not an unempathetic people here in northern Sonoma Valley. To that end, we understand how this sudden and immediate Sonoman ban can separate families. Verily, we will allow 10 Sonomans a day to enter our sphere of influence at the Madrone Road checkpoint. But only after pledging the following: Black is white, war is peace, good is not good, truth is not true, stupidity is brilliance, cowardice is courage. After stating the pledge and giving some blood samples, you will be escorted by one of our friendly militiamen to see your loved one for approximately one and a half hours. When your time is up, you will return to Sonoma via checkpoint where we will give you back your electronic devices that we have enhanced with a tracking device.
Section 4. Sonomans are tricky, so to make sure they don’t sneak in some other way, I, Alec the Ridiculously Magnificent, am building a 100-foot wall at Melita Road and Sonoma Highway, at a cost of only $1 trillion. This is a for-sure way to keep Sonomans, as well as those flesh-eating pagan Santa Rosans, out of our lives. No other way to get in, no siree Bob, the wall fixes everything, ya you betcha. No need to be afraid anymore. Wait, scratch that, I want you to be afraid, really afraid. All the time.
Thus ends Executive Order 17-4891.
– Alec, the Ridiculously Magnificent